Life is teaching me to find the calm in the chaos, to find the comfort in the little things so I did. The little things in my daily routines are my peace of mind. Many people often forget that it should be feeding their soul and not their ego and it took me a long time for me to differentiate it but it was worth the journey. As I become better I learn, as I change I improve.
My journey starts with something big like when I got a day free of being shouted by my mom or when I was chilling underneath my study table or when I was able to feel the pain coming from cutting myself every single time that I was emotionally in pain. Then it became smaller, it changes to me putting that responsibility in another people and got mad when they didn’t fulfill it and then it changed to me abusing the treadmills or me jogging at the beautiful lake park surrounded by people walking their cute dogs. Now, the confident that you get when you are wearing heels and you pair it with red lipstick works like a charm but so do eating cold watermelon.
Eating it feels a little bit like heaven and that you are being protected by Him. It makes me feel so at ease that nothing ever could harm me, not even my past memory trauma nor anyone. I don’t feel strong yet I don’t feel weak. I just feel protected and free, just like how I am supposed to feel. And that impulsive soul calling iced latte at 4 pm or at 3 and ½ in the morning makes me feel like time is stopping and everything will be okay. World is ending? That is okay, I got this. My life is falling apart and I am probably not going to be in a relationship because men just want to manipulate me so that they can control me and are ashamed of me until I lose more weight because no matter what I do I am just not good enough for them? Yes, and regardless I will still be okay. What matters right now is that drinking the iced latte make me feel like everything will be okay and so it shall be.
Living shows how hard it is to just breathe and to stop feeling so worthless no matter what you do and that you will continually disappoint people with your carelessness or that your fear of showing people that you love and care for them might make them uncomfortable with you so you hide it, But that is okay.
My heart and soul is hurting and I don’t know how to heal it but I do know what to do to get by until I find the answer for it. I will be okay. I know I will. I just have to live long enough to experience it. I deserves it. And I will get it.
Story by Syahidah
Photo by Sarah Hadi